Trusting your gut, following your intuition and finding the courage to speak up is liberating!

Have you ever had a hunch, a gut-level feeling about something, or an intuitive message that tells you what to do or not to do? I have, and I have learned to always trust my gut!

One fall day in 2000, I received a call from Stephen, a volunteer doctor I worked with on occasional trips with Los Medicos Voladores (The Flying Doctors). He was calling to confirm that I would be on one of our upcoming four-day trips to a small village in Sonora, Mexico. Our mission was to provide health services to the villagers over a two-day period of a four-day trip (travel time is two days). The team of six volunteers usually included two doctors, two interpreters and two assistants. I was an assistant, always working with Stephen. The other doctor, Marvin, flew the twin-engine Cessna and because the locations were remote, we landed and took off in the desert. Stephen, also a pilot, served as the co-pilot on board.

Together, I had been on many missions with my two favorite doctor friends. However, my father had been ill and I was temporarily staying with him in his home while he recovered. While I knew that I could arrange to have my sister stay with my father for a few days so that I could take the trip, I listened to my intuition. I was hesitant and disappointed, but I immediately told Stephen that I would not be able to make that trip scheduled for October. I didn’t even need time to think it over or sleep on it like I do with many important decisions. I had a gut-level feeling that it was not the right time for me to go.

^{Picking a Path. Photo ©Tish Litchfield, 2024.}

On a Sunday morning in October, I was sitting with my father reading the local newspaper. I was horrified and deeply saddened to read the headline, “Plane Crash Kills 6 in Volunteer Doctor’s Group.” The plane had crashed that Saturday in a field near Ensenada, Mexico, as it was making its way back from the humanitarian mission. Had my father not been ill and had I not trusted my gut, I would have been on that trip!

It took me a while to process the grief of that accident and losing such wonderful people in such a tragic way. Stephen had decided not to go as well and so both our lives were spared. Only God knows why.

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There are times in life when an authoritative person, perhaps an expert like an oncologist, is insistent with their advice about something such as a particular medical treatment. I experienced this during consultations over my cancer treatment plan. My instincts or intuition was not to have chemotherapy. I had a persistent, gnawing feeling that said, no, that treatment is not for me! I did not understand where it came from or why the feeling was so visceral and strong. I just knew that I had to go with my gut—against the odds and against my doctor’s recommendation, which at the time, was the standard of practice for my particular condition. I’ve written in my book about the challenge of finding the courage to stand up and fight for what I intuitively felt was right or not right for my body’s treatment plan. To this day, I am so grateful that I trusted myself. It turned out that it was okay for me to say no to my doctor. Today I celebrate OVER ten years of life beyond cancer!

Another experience with my intuitive feelings about treatment happened while seeing my Ayurvedic doctor at the UCSF Osher Center in San Francisco. As I waited for my appointment, I browsed through cancer flyers and materials organized neatly on a shelf. One flyer from Epic Experience—Beyond Cancer caught my eye. It included an application to attend a one-week adult cancer camp at a dude ranch in the Colorado Rockies. One of the activities mentioned on the flyer was kayaking on the Colorado River which quickly caught my attention since paddling is my passion! However, I was not sure about taking the flyer because I was feeling down and worn out from the last year of balancing my job with all the doctor appointments, diagnostic tests and treatments, but I took it. I was going with my gut, even though the thought of packing, flying on a plane to Colorado and then being around a group of people that I didn’t even know for a week, 24/7, sounded utterly exhausting!

I am so glad that I went home and submitted that application! I was accepted to the camp in August of 2013 and it was one of the best experiences of my life!  While I was initially hesitant about going, the timing was perfect for where I was on my healing journey. I needed to attend that camp!

^{Tish riding horse at Epic Experience—Beyond Cancer. Photo ©Tish Litchfield, 2013.}

My time spent with fellow cancer survivors and Epic Experience staff was truly amazing, cathartic and energizing. I was so moved by my time at the camp that I am donating a portion of the proceeds from my book, A Miracle Within You: Paddling Through Cancer, to them so that more cancer survivors can attend this incredibly healing cancer camp.

I have learned to listen, honor and trust my intuition. I am open to hearing professional guidance, but it is ultimately my choice, especially regarding treatments.

I believe in miracles as I firmly believe that I would not still be here on earth were it not for miracles in my life.

In my book, A Miracle Within You: Paddling Through Cancer, I write:

My mother often told me, “There is a miracle in you!” The power within her words has echoed in my consciousness for as long as I can remember. I hear her gentle, southern voice calm me as I paddle through the fiercest storms of my life. Believing that there was a miracle within me, I opened myself to the possibility and was divinely guided from the chaos of invasive breast cancer to a balanced state of being. “Out of difficulties grow miracles,” says Jean de la Bruyere. I believe that the body has an innate capacity to heal through exercising one’s faith in God or a Higher Power and, when necessary, applying a combination of appropriate holistic and Western medicine. I believe healing of the body alone is not enough. It is imperative to recognize the connection that exists between our thoughts, emotions and physical wellbeing. By improving my inner environment of thoughts, beliefs, and emotions I shifted my life into a more healthy pattern. I finally realized the need to fully release my emotional burdens and cultivate more self-love so that I could reach peace within my heart.

^{Miracle page from A Miracle Within You. ©Tish Litchfield, 2024.}

The words of someone dear to you may linger long after they are gone, serving as a catalyst for strength, growth and perhaps even miracles in the making when you need them most.

As The Cancer presented itself in my life, the words echoed from my soul, “There is a miracle within you.” Those precious words are from the spirit angel of my beloved mother and became my most significant and compelling mantra in healing myself. I knew that these words held great spiritual power for me during my journey with The Cancer. I believe in miracles as I firmly believe that I would not still be here on earth were it not for miracles in my life. I have had several close encounters with death, from a bus accident over a cliff as a child, to a heart attack, near drowning in Lake Tahoe, and The Cancer as an adult. But by the grace of God and miracles, I am still here, living my best life!

Miracles are validated by our feelings. When something miraculous happens, it may be too big to accept, and we might feel more comfortable pretending it didn’t happen because it is so unbelievable! Acceptance has a compelling way of confronting us through miracles. The proof may be undeniable, yet we may attempt to explain it logically and take away the glorious power of experiencing miracles.  The essence of a miracle or any supernatural occurrence is felt deep within your soul as you stand in the center of an extraordinary event.  More than once, I have thought that I might die. I’ve actually seen my life flash before me in the same way as some people have expressed during near-death experiences.

How do you explain a miracle? You don’t. I only know that our feelings around such mystical events become our proof that something unworldly has happened in our presence and intervened to assist us. The intrigue of miracles is that they are not to be explained, but yet those who’ve experienced one become believers.

On the way home from a visit with my sister, just after the final pages of my book had been designed, it was as if something else was guiding me. I spontaneously turned off the highway and found myself at the entrance of the graveyard where my parents rest. It was a beautiful bright summer day, and it must have been early on a weekday because the cemetery was empty of visitors, but for me. It was eerily quiet save for a few chirping birds fluttering about within the branches of nearby trees. I was excited about coming close to completing the writing of my book and I wanted to share this news with my parents, who I miss immeasurably.

My dream of writing a book to help others suffering from cancer was coming to fruition, and I was in a really good space, feeling rather accomplished and experiencing a new sense of purpose in my life. I stood near their shared headstones, reading their names, the epitaphs and the dates of their births and deaths. I felt a slight breeze as the hearty leaves of the stately Magnolia tree rattled. Our family had planted that tree, a favorite of our mother’s, over her grave in 1985 so its trunk and branches were mature, stretching out toward the heavens above. The waxy, deep green leaves formed silhouettes cradling the magnificent, white and pleasingly fragrant magnolia blossoms.

What a sacred and peaceful setting to be there, standing next to my beloved parent’s grave. Yes, their grave; they were not buried in the traditional manner of side by side.  My mother’s remains were buried in a casket while my father was cremated and placed in an urn. My parents were opposites in many ways, including their last wishes.  That said, my father wished to have his ashes buried with my mother and so his urn was gently placed on top of my mother’s casket. As I spoke with them on that warm June day I looked upward, observing my surroundings.  The park was so very peaceful and, as always, in nature, I see through the eyes of my soul. Astonishingly, bright rays of sunlight came streaming down through the Magnolia tree–almost brighter than my eyes could take! My body was instantly blanketed by a sudden flash of warm sunrays that felt ethereal, otherworldly. As I prayed, in that very instant, what truly felt like a miraculous, divine intervention occurred as if I was witnessing a miracle of sorts. Perhaps the spirits of my parents were saying, “Congratulations Tish, you did it! We are proud of you!” I was shocked by what I was seeing and feeling.

Looking back, I’m sorry I allowed my human ego to take over as I stepped out of the heavenly rays of light in an attempt to capture them through a quick photograph because, with that action, the divine moment was over!  I lost the opportunity to bask in the glory of a most precious spiritual moment.  What I got in the photograph was nothing like what I witnessed, as if it was not to be photographed.  All I know is that I felt a pure, genuine, unquestionable spiritual energy at that moment. The feeling was miraculous!

Miracles are always in the making. It was a miracle that I survived cancer. It was a miracle that I finished my book. And it was a miracle to see the glorious light of my parents celebrating my achievement. We need only to open our hearts and souls to the possibilities, believing that a divine power is reaching out to guide, love and support us. There is a miracle within you! 

The Cancer led me to the question:

What do I want most in this precious life?

My belief is that most people go on about their daily lives without giving much thought to the simple, but complex question: What do you want most in your life?

I did—that is until I was faced with the potentially terminal illness of breast cancer. It was not until then that I sat down with myself in quiet solitude, reflecting on my life from the past to the present day.  Unclear of my future, the immediate question that I asked myself was, “What do I want most in this precious life?”

We work to provide for ourselves and others with food on the table, a temperate and safe shelter, technological devices, a car to drive, funds for tithing or entertainment, and so on. Most adults get in the groove of this thing called life with all of its unexpected highs and lows, but we often fail to slow down enough to evaluate the who, what, when, where and why of our existence. That’s right.

What are we doing, with who and why?  When and where are we headed on this tidal wave of life?

^{Gulls on Driftwood, Port Townsend, WA. Photo ©Tish Litchfield, 2024.}

For years, I worked hard to buy material things like designer clothes, new cars, furniture, art and houses.  I was living the grind with a crazy commute over the Santa Cruz mountains to the Silicon Valley every day of the week.  My workdays averaged 12 hours and even longer with special events or board meetings. I observed endless trails of commuter cars and referred to the drivers as little mice traveling over the hill, back and forth each day, to earn their cheese. That is what we did.  It truly felt like a rat race with people performing unbelievable stunts in their vehicles from playing a saxophone to texting, typing on devices, brushing teeth, shaving, applying makeup, changing clothes, and yes, even having sex.  I saw it all over the years, either coming or going on the commute.

My awakening to slow my life down happened through my journey with breast cancer.

For others, more recently, I believe the Covid-19 pandemic changed the lives of many people who simply were forced to reevaluate their lives as they sat in their homes during the lockdown. The after-effects of the pandemic are proof that working people also asked the question, as I first did upon being diagnosed with The Cancer, “What is it that you want most in life?”

Interestingly for me, I realized that I did not desire more material possessions.  It was something intangible that I longed for when I was totally honest with myself. I wanted inner peace, nothing more and nothing less. I yearned for a state of tranquility and contentment, accepting myself as I am in mind, body and soul. I had been so caught up in my strong work ethic and busy living the hectic, Silicon Valley lifestyle that I had lost parts of myself in the shuffle.  There was no time for me. I was chasing crazy dreams for self-accomplishment in my education and career as I continually tried to prove my self-worth. My volunteer work filled most of my free time, leaving very little recreational time to relax and simply enjoy life. It was not a good situation for me as eventually, the stress took a toll, but The Cancer diagnosis changed all of that.

How could I reach a state of inner peace?  What did I need to do in this life?

My new quest, besides healing from The Cancer, was to find inner peace within myself.  This is what I wanted most in my life.  I began by taking more time for myself in pursuit of my aspiration to reach peace within.  I cut back on volunteer work and began saying no to additional work that was not mandatory.  I took meditation classes and music lessons to free my heart and fill my soul with newfound joy.  I made it a point to plan quality “me time” into my schedule, whether it was watching a movie, attending a play or music concert, relaxing with a good book, paddling an outrigger canoe, or meeting friends for coffee, lunch, or dinner.  My activities needed to be planned and on a calendar so that I would hold myself accountable and follow through with my self-care and maintenance of achieving a better balance between work and play.

Inner peace enhances our connectedness with Spirit, others and even nature.  When I am in a peaceful state, I have more room within my heart and soul to be open to exploring possibilities. Circumstances in life change because of planned or unexpected disruptions, but working to maintain a stable life balance enables my inner peace to remain.

It’s not uncommon for cancer survivors to do life inventories after being diagnosed.  I’ve found through my interactions with fellow survivors that we share one thing in common.  We tend to live our lives with deeper meaning and purpose because having cancer inspired us to ask questions and take the time to explore what is truly important to us in this life, for whatever life we have left.  What is it that we want most in this life?

I invite you to ask yourself that question. When the answer comes to you clearly, and it will, make room, be brave, and do something about it. I am here in my heart cheering you on!

I am finally free to share my story, who I am, my truths, and my journey to heal from cancer!

I struggled for 10 years trying to write a book and I finally finished after picking it back up again in October of 2023 following a trip to the UK!

While on a train in Scotland, I serendipitously met a writer, Ja-lene Clark, who had years of experience in the field of writing, graphic design and publications. Within a couple of months she became my dedicated and inspiring writing consultant who creatively assisted me in the overall book design. Her vision, wisdom, talent and support throughout the tedious book development was unwavering as we accomplished our mission together.

Though I have never had a baby, I understand that there may be similarities in the feelings that come with delivering both a baby and a book into the world! When I got serious about completing my book, ironically, the process took about nine months—those months were like my soulful journey through pregnancy. During that sometimes onerous writing period, I experienced mixed emotions from joy to pain, fear to faith, anxiety to sadness, excitement to trepidation and more while I relived the experiences I shared in the book. Nearing completion, I felt immense joy as I unwrapped a package and held the paperback proof copy of my book for the first time. Overwhelmed with elation, I gazed at my book while touching it by running my hands and fingers over the artful cover, then flipping anxiously through the many pages, bringing it close to my nose to smell the fresh ink and finally holding it next to my heart as if I was cradling a newborn baby in my arms. I was! I gave birth to my book, my precious baby. It is tangible in a recognizable form.

Sharing my story with others has not only given me a renewed sense of purpose, the experience of writing the book has further healed my soul.

For much of my adult life I worried what other people said or thought of me and so I tried to fit in the mainstream. I closeted parts of my true identity, especially at work, which created challenges and prevented me from developing more affectionate relationships with colleagues. In my book, I have intimately peeled back many layers of who I am as I tell my story and share my truths. Describing the path that I feel inevitably lead to physical illnesses in my body, the myriad of emotions that accompanied my subsequent cancer journey, and exposing my truths through written word is incredibly freeing. I emerged from dark places in my life through courage, support, faith and the grace of God.

^{Light in the Forest. Photo ©Tish Litchfield, 2024.}

Birthing my book was a predestined calling; now my words have grown into a published book, making its debut in the world like a child of the universe. My hope is that it serves to help many others. How it may impact readers is beyond me. I can only wonder as I wait to observe the comments from readers like you.

While getting ready for the book launch, I heard a song by Rachel Platten, Set Me Free. Rachel’s song was motivated by some of her darkest times facing demons that she experienced in postpartum depression after the birth of both her daughters. She testifies that she almost lost her mind trying to make everyone happy, holding everything inside, playing small.  She sings, “There were days I didn’t even know myself. So ashamed thought I should be like someone else. And my whole life they told me I needed thicker skin but thicker skin only kept all my fire and all my passion in.” Another part of a verse in her song confesses, “...my hands were always tied, but tonight they’re in the sky!”  Her lyrics say it best, “love me as I am or don’t love me at all.”

As my book makes its way to publication, I so relate to the words of Rachel’s song! In publishing my book, I, too, have been set free to be my true self! I no longer fear what people think of me or care who they want me to be. I gave birth to genuine words of truth about who I am. Yes, there was trepidation, pain, and anxiety in the process, but there was also great joy. The joy and tranquility of being open, making peace with myself and letting people know who I am through my story is freeing. Publishing my book is the day I set me free!

I joyfully celebrate sharing my healing journey with you through my book A Miracle Within You: Paddling Through Cancer. And to inspire you, here is Rachel’s beautiful song!